THE NASTY GAL PIZZA CLEANSE™: A BETTER YOU IN 4 EASY SLICES
Clean out those toxins and say hello to a new you made mostly of cheese.
Getting your body ready for festival season is strenuous: unused gym memberships, arugula-only salads, drinking water instead of milkshakes... What if we told you that we had a hack to make the whole process super fun and easy? Ready? Here goes: stop doing all that and just eat pizza because your body is killer no matter what. The only requirement for wearing the things you want is feeling hot as hell in them. Leave all of those nonsensical notions of a "good" body in 2015 and dive jaw-deep into the Nasty Gal Pizza Cleanse™.
We've teamed up with Los Angeles' two resident Pizza Princesses, Luna Lovebad and Champagne Cherub, to develop a cleanse proven to keep your Happiness Mass Index at a solid 1,000,000. Get ready, Whole Foods, we're about to wreck your whole industry.
The first step when embarking on a Pizza Cleanse™: get your coins in order. Boot up an Excel sheet, get out a spiral notebook, do whatever it takes to manage the financial impact of 30 days of cheese on your bank account. Walking is a cheap way to exercise, save a few bucks, and get you from A to P(izza). But guys: safety first. Always walk with a buddy, a posse, a crew, or a squad. Bonus points for coordinating statement outfits so you look like a cool-ass gang about to beat up some pizza.
We started our Pizza Cleanse™ on a bit of a sour note. After walking an entire two blocks to the closest Domino's, we discovered that North America's finest pizzeria refused to serve us individual slices. It was here that we established the Pizza Cleanse™'s first cardinal rule: always order the whole pie when possible, but never make time for a pizza that won't be made your way. The same logic can be applied to your love life or business or something. Anyway, Domino's, sorry (not sorry) for saturating your entryway in model tears. On to the next one.
A block west of Domino's, we invaded Bottega Louie, one of downtown L.A.'s fancier restaurants (excluding all restaurants that are 3 dollar signs or higher on Yelp because those can't be real places where people actually eat). Unfortunately, 72,000 other clever Californians were testing out Italian-based cleanses of their own. The wait for a table was TWO HOURS which is like, two years in hunger time, so we couldn't be bothered. Here, we developed the Pizza Cleanse™'s second rule: snack on a bunch of other stuff in between pizza meals.
Luckily, Bottega Louie offers a separate cash register for baked goods to-go. We hoarded macaroons and subsequently snagged the hottest seat in town—the cramped back seat of an Uber. Those fitness people always say that you should eat sporadically throughout the day, and yeah, technically they're talking about salads, but those fitness people don't know everything. That's why we came up with a Pizza Cleanse™ before they did.
WE FINALLY GOT PIZZA. Thanks to the blessed souls at Masa of Echo Park, our cleanse finally got as cheesy as our one-liners. Never in our lives have we seen such heavenly, photogenic cheese. Masa hit all of the right notes for us. Deep dish divinity? Check. Perfect price-to-pizza ratio? Check. Didn't kick us out for using flash photography without permission? Check.
After bringing our Snapchat stories up to speed, licking the residual cheese from our plates, and apologizing to our waitstaff, the time had come to continue our cleanse. With that, we implemented rule #3 of Pizza Cleansing™: after your first pizza has been devoured in full, you must begin eating a second pizza within 30 minutes or less. This rule was originally based on that Domino's tagline but we're still mad at Domino's, so we're not going to acknowledge that.
Only in Echo Park can you make the jump from Chicago to New York-style in a mere 30 seconds. Luckily for our hearts and our heels, Two Boots, a New York-style pizzeria famous for its quirky 2013-hipster sensibilities and random-genius topping combos, is literally THREE doors away from Masa. And, as anyone in the fitness business will tell you, the healthiest way to finish eating an entire pizza is to eat an entire second pizza. If your personal trainer doesn't tell you that, fire your personal trainer.
After eating two XL pizzas, four cookies, a dozen macaroons, countless soda, and a single lemon water, we found out what happens at the fifth hour of the Pizza Cleanse™: you get really sleepy, kind of sick, and your models have permanent grease stains on their finger tips. (Pizza grease french manicures, top trend of 2017, calling it now.) So maybe there is a limit to how much pizza you should eat in one day. Probably not, but maybe. Either way, if anyone ever tries to tell you how to manage your own body, feel free to recommend this Pizza Cleanse™ before blocking them from all social channels because you absolutely don't need that energy in your life. Time is money, money is pizza, pizza is happiness.