April 2, 2014

Bad Sauna


All by myself in a sluggish sauna waiting for it to turn on, this is the least stimulation I've experienced since moving to LA ~1.5yrs ago. 22 months. If I had gotten a phone on the same day that I moved to LA, I would be eligible for an upgrade now. For 22 months, I've been surround by people and colors and buses and parties and shopping and drinking and netflix and bills and blogging and not blogging and tweeting and I've learned how to cook, but nothing matters in this room, in this sauna.


It's beginning to turn on, I think. Sauna is making pinging noises, pong, ping, ping, pong, there is a spider web in the wood barrier, no one uses this room. Poor, lonely sauna. It's not getting any hotter, just louder. This painfully slow incline in volume and heat would give me anxiety in any other room, but in this room, I'm so relaxed. 


A light mounted on the opposite wall is making me very aware of my shadow. I think it's one of the energy-saving lightbulbs, but the light seems really warm, I've never been good with differentiating between warm and white light. Why are we still even calling lights 'energy saving' as though it's a big deal, they've been around forever, why can't these farmpunk earth children force everyone to define the energy saving bulbs as normative and rename the original, regular lightbulbs, call them 'energy wasting shitbulbs' or 'fuck up no college education lightbulbs' or 'get a real job lightbulbs'. Oh boy, the sauna is heating up now. Well, it's warmer. 


Zero Nothing about this box fits in with my paradigm of 'sauna', set by 24hr fitness, set only in theory by stories I've heard about those gay bathhouses, the Hollywood spa, something club something. Why don't lesbians have those? A sauna/gym/fuckcenter where you don't need to exchange names or play TinderTag or write an okcupid bio that you feel guilty about because you tried so hard and only sound a little clever. What if I posted this on my blog? I haven't posted in a year, it'd be kinda cool. Like hey, didn't take any pictures of my outfit, but I'm in a sauna. 


What if I died in here? The door sticks and I'm trapped and my water runs out. They find me, a raisin, three days later, my thumb hovering over sending this essay(?) and the maintenance guy discards it, lost forever. Or he sends it and I become iconic. Artists will pay tribute, marina will put herself in a sauna and let people throw their sneakers in with her. Has anyone ever tried to cut her hair when she or Shia or whoever else do those 'performance art' sittings and let everyone approach them? What're the wildest things that people have done? If they have security that prevents anything 'too' crazy, that's cheating. Balls to the wall, all or nothing, or don't do it at all. The sauna just turned off completely. It didn't make me sweat at all. This was a complete waste of time.


Your favorite complete waste of time,
Spencer Niemetz

April 24, 2013

FEEL MYSELF





YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL TO DEATH, RIGHT? LIKE, LITERAL DEATH. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND TRY TO IMAGINE POSITIVE VIBES SHOOTING OUT OF EVERY CELL OF MY BODY AND BEING EXPELLED INTO THE UNIVERSE. AS MY CELLS EXPLODE AND I SLIP INTO NON-EXISTENCE, THE POSITIVE ENERGY ATTACKS EVERY ONE OF YOU AND MAKES YOU CHEER UP AND FEEL LOVE FOR EVERYTHING ELSE. THIS IS MY DREAM. I HAVE DIED FOR YOU. SOMEONE WRITE A RELIGION ABOUT ME. PRETEND I AM YOUR BREAD AND YOUR WINE.

Speaking of loving things to death, I'm wearing two pieces from Edwards & Rellas' Skullhearts jewelry collection in this post. I was so down for this collection as soon as I saw it. They have gold things, they have silver things, they have CHOCOLATE things. They literally reinterpret their jewelry design into chocolate. Let's pause and think of that for a second. Have you ever worn a piece of handcrafted jewelry while SIMULTANEOUSLY consuming it's matching chocolate counterpart? It's an experience truly beyond words. That's why I take so many pictures of things. Mitch Edwards and Pericles Rellas really do make some extraordinary jewelry though, all chocolate aside. I'm not really much of a quality judge and I don't pretend to be. The 7-Eleven clerks near my apartment and I are on a first-name basis. But wearing their pieces, holding their pieces, you can feel the quality. You don't need someone to tell you that these are handcrafted, cream-of-the-crop pieces. You know. Also, bonus: these are the first pieces of silver jewelry I've ever worn that haven't turned my skin green. QUALITY.

They're also so damn easy to style. The 'skullheart' adds such a killer spice to outfits that are one accessory short of that do-or-die 'OOMPH' factor. A believer in excess, I'm wearing twice the 'OOMPH' here, but that's more of a personal preference. Low self-esteem often has me feeling OOMPH-deprived. But neither of these Skullhearts pieces felt unnecessary. The skull addition felt effortless, not gaudy. It's such a tasteful little pop. I achieved nirvana.

AND THEIR CHOCOLATES. Let's tail this off with their chocolates. Okay, really. Their chocolates. Have you ever loved something so much that it kills you? These won't. My boyfriend and I were Drake and we made these chocolates our Amanda Bynes.  For context, remember that I used to work in the candy/pastry business. I am a cupcake connoisseur. I am the master of malt balls. I know my way around a lollipop. Starting with presentation, their chocolates are in the CUTEST BOX with the CUTEST RIBBON and have the CUTEST GOLD FOIL. If you broke your significant other's favorite cigarette holder or drowned their canary, these are the best 'I'm sorry and my ability to purchase gifts for you should overrule my lack of morality please don't leave me baby I am sickeningly dependent on you' presents. And the little chocolates inside are so cute, destroying them between your teeth to help them better glide over your tongue and down the back of your throat is almost painful. But that pain is quickly overwhelmed with leg-shaking, scream-inspiring delight. Your taste buds are individually enchanted and your eyes roll into the back of your head as the hint of vanilla bean in the caramel interior strikes an American flag through the moon that is your mind and declares you to be its property. They're so bomb.

Skullheart Necklace by Edwards & Rellas, Skullheart Ring by Edwards & Rellas, Vest by Monika Chiang, Shirt by DKNY, Jeans by Forever 21, Shoes by Fratelli Rossetti, Sunglasses by Popkiller





















April 3, 2013

LIGHTNING




HI GUYS! When was the last time your phone died? Isn't that just the bane of everything? You're trying to shazam some god-awful song or Snapchat your god-awful meal to some god-awful person and you forget that you have a god-awful phone because you're a god-awful phone owner and your battery just decides to bounce on you. It's like hell. No, it's beyond hell. It's hell if hell was exactly as you imagine hell to be, but that incarnation exists inside of a Sizzler. But wait, not just any Sizzler. This Sizzler is actually an in-house restaurant at an 18+ club and you're there on the weekly 'Saturday Rave Trill Fest' and everyone is young, dumb, and full of some trendy drugs. Someone also just cut off your arms. That's some Dante shit on steroids. It's that kind of hell.

Most people keep a phone charger in their cars, but what about those of us that aren't as auto-friendly? Public transportation vehicles don't come with built-in cigarette lighters. (Although, wouldn't that really be something? Imagine if I could smoke on the train. Oh, what a glorious future that would be.) Over the past two years, I've started a system of carrying a giant duffel bag with me to insure that I always have a phone charger (with a USB to A/C adapter DUH), laptop charger, laptop, headphones, two changes of clothes, blowdryer, full arsenal of toiletries, granola bar, various jewelry, balled-up receipt debris, and assorted writing utensils on hand. I like to be prepared. But preparation wrecks havoc on my poor shoulders and back. It can't do it anymore. It's killing me. I'll die socially connected, wearing clean underwear, and with fresh hair, but I'll die. All to stay connected in any event. There has to be another way.

THERE IS.

Phone accessories. They're accessories for your phone, right? NO. They're accessories. And, like any accessory, one should explore the various ways that said accessory can compliment one's outfit. I don't know about you, but I experience frequent anxiety trying to dig up a sweater that matches my headphones as I dress myself. But what good are headphones if you're plugging them in to a lifeless tech-brick? Then I realized, I CAN WEAR MY PHONE CHARGER AS A BRACELET. And I did that. I guess that's it. I did that. There aren't a ton of details beyond the verbose build-up. I just discovered that my phone's USB charger makes a really cute bracelet. It probably makes a cute necklace too. I'm sure it'd be aesthetically pleasing if you stuck it up your nose, too. I don't know.

You can use it as a statement piece to convey to those around you that Hi, you wear USB cords, and Hi, you're very efficient, but, most importantly, Hi, you weren't the one who didn't bring his charger to Starbucks so it's really not in your list of obligations to be some kind of charge fairy that people can mooch off of when they're coasting at 36% and getting anxious so, like, Hi, sorry. As long as you wear your phone-charger-bracelet and you're near a USB port (which, I mean, if you aren't, should you really be wherever you ARE?), your lifeline has a line of life.

In line with the gift that is a full battery charge, I constructed a look of pieces that were mostly either gifts or kind-of gifts aside from the stupid faker glasses. My blazer came from a friend who knew that I liked cheap things that rip really quickly and it came with a giant hole in the back that I had to fix so whatever, thanks 'friend'. The beanie came from my sister who I miss everyday I miss you I miss you I miss you I can't eat any incarnation of fried chicken without my heart hurting a little please live here I love you my little dorito crumb. The pants and boots both came from work for free or nearly-free because they know I would never pay retail or half-retail or three-quarters retail for anything ever in a million years. The charger came from Apple because I sold my soul for access to emoji usage. The Coke Zero is a gift straight out of heaven.

Modern Amusement shirt, Dockers blazer, Stupid faker glasses, Standard black beanie that everyone has or should have as least 9 of, Diesel Black Gold jeans, Diesel boots, Apple bracelet, Coke Zero bottle of life energy























HOW TO BE HAPPY GUIDE BY SPENCER NIEMETZ READ THIS:

1) Replace all of your main meals with cigarettes.
2) Speckle your time between your now-cigarette meals by consuming Frito-Lay and Hershey snack food products. There is no such thing as excess while practicing step 2.
3) Wear things with USB plugs. As you gain more confidence and creativity in incorporating the USB plug into different parts of your outfit, you will inevitably reach a point where your entire look can be connected to a hard-drive and you will likely enter The Matrix.
4) Drink 6 liters of Diet Coke per day. It may seem tricky, but I consumed 2 liters just while shooting this look. It's much simpler than you think. The chemicals will embalm your skin and organs, allowing you to live forever.
5) Have a positive attitude. I achieve this through listening to Ke$ha and engaging in self-deprecating humor (which makes people think that I might not be as posi as I truly am, keeping them on their toes), but you may also do it through reading, sightseeing, playing tag, or drugs.