August 26, 2014

FASHION BLOGS ARE BORING

HELLO EVERYONE


I haven't done an outfit post in forever and I'm not going to do one today either.

Instead, I was to show you, the reader, one of the five remaining people in the world that read blogs hosted by Blogger, what I've been up to in the year+ since my last 'real update'.

All of this art is mine and it took a very long time to art them all together. I still haven't made any money from any of them.

This is me after being crowned "Prince of the Forest".


This is me on Christmas 2013. My boyfriend was off celebrating with his parents, so I dressed up and went to McDonald's for breakfast.


This is me on Vogue. It was okay.


This is me at Coachella 2014. I got guestlisted at Panera Bread. Lorde didn't.


This is me in a nice park.


This is me on vacation in Fiji.


This is a recreation of a dream that I had. The translation was exact.


This is me at the Vermilion City Indie Rock Festival 2014.


This is me after the Vermilion City Indie Rock Festival 2014.


This is my faux single cover for the the faux debut single from the faux rap album that I'm recording because although I love to write rap music, my whiny voice doesn't christen me with any street cred.


This is a paparazzi shot of me exploring the finer parts of Los Angeles.


Also, boyfriend and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary this past January and he is still very nice to me. We like to lay in bed and talk. We also like to binge drink.




I sit in bed watching Law & Order all day and sometimes, I go to work. If you would like to send me money and help me fund this lifestyle, OK.

Congratulations on reading my blog,
Spencer Niemetz

April 2, 2014

Bad Sauna


All by myself in a sluggish sauna waiting for it to turn on, this is the least stimulation I've experienced since moving to LA ~1.5yrs ago. 22 months. If I had gotten a phone on the same day that I moved to LA, I would be eligible for an upgrade now. For 22 months, I've been surround by people and colors and buses and parties and shopping and drinking and netflix and bills and blogging and not blogging and tweeting and I've learned how to cook, but nothing matters in this room, in this sauna.


It's beginning to turn on, I think. Sauna is making pinging noises, pong, ping, ping, pong, there is a spider web in the wood barrier, no one uses this room. Poor, lonely sauna. It's not getting any hotter, just louder. This painfully slow incline in volume and heat would give me anxiety in any other room, but in this room, I'm so relaxed. 


A light mounted on the opposite wall is making me very aware of my shadow. I think it's one of the energy-saving lightbulbs, but the light seems really warm, I've never been good with differentiating between warm and white light. Why are we still even calling lights 'energy saving' as though it's a big deal, they've been around forever, why can't these farmpunk earth children force everyone to define the energy saving bulbs as normative and rename the original, regular lightbulbs, call them 'energy wasting shitbulbs' or 'fuck up no college education lightbulbs' or 'get a real job lightbulbs'. Oh boy, the sauna is heating up now. Well, it's warmer. 


Zero Nothing about this box fits in with my paradigm of 'sauna', set by 24hr fitness, set only in theory by stories I've heard about those gay bathhouses, the Hollywood spa, something club something. Why don't lesbians have those? A sauna/gym/fuckcenter where you don't need to exchange names or play TinderTag or write an okcupid bio that you feel guilty about because you tried so hard and only sound a little clever. What if I posted this on my blog? I haven't posted in a year, it'd be kinda cool. Like hey, didn't take any pictures of my outfit, but I'm in a sauna. 


What if I died in here? The door sticks and I'm trapped and my water runs out. They find me, a raisin, three days later, my thumb hovering over sending this essay(?) and the maintenance guy discards it, lost forever. Or he sends it and I become iconic. Artists will pay tribute, marina will put herself in a sauna and let people throw their sneakers in with her. Has anyone ever tried to cut her hair when she or Shia or whoever else do those 'performance art' sittings and let everyone approach them? What're the wildest things that people have done? If they have security that prevents anything 'too' crazy, that's cheating. Balls to the wall, all or nothing, or don't do it at all. The sauna just turned off completely. It didn't make me sweat at all. This was a complete waste of time.


Your favorite complete waste of time,
Spencer Niemetz

April 24, 2013

FEEL MYSELF





YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU ALL TO DEATH, RIGHT? LIKE, LITERAL DEATH. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING AND TRY TO IMAGINE POSITIVE VIBES SHOOTING OUT OF EVERY CELL OF MY BODY AND BEING EXPELLED INTO THE UNIVERSE. AS MY CELLS EXPLODE AND I SLIP INTO NON-EXISTENCE, THE POSITIVE ENERGY ATTACKS EVERY ONE OF YOU AND MAKES YOU CHEER UP AND FEEL LOVE FOR EVERYTHING ELSE. THIS IS MY DREAM. I HAVE DIED FOR YOU. SOMEONE WRITE A RELIGION ABOUT ME. PRETEND I AM YOUR BREAD AND YOUR WINE.

Speaking of loving things to death, I'm wearing two pieces from Edwards & Rellas' Skullhearts jewelry collection in this post. I was so down for this collection as soon as I saw it. They have gold things, they have silver things, they have CHOCOLATE things. They literally reinterpret their jewelry design into chocolate. Let's pause and think of that for a second. Have you ever worn a piece of handcrafted jewelry while SIMULTANEOUSLY consuming it's matching chocolate counterpart? It's an experience truly beyond words. That's why I take so many pictures of things. Mitch Edwards and Pericles Rellas really do make some extraordinary jewelry though, all chocolate aside. I'm not really much of a quality judge and I don't pretend to be. The 7-Eleven clerks near my apartment and I are on a first-name basis. But wearing their pieces, holding their pieces, you can feel the quality. You don't need someone to tell you that these are handcrafted, cream-of-the-crop pieces. You know. Also, bonus: these are the first pieces of silver jewelry I've ever worn that haven't turned my skin green. QUALITY.

They're also so damn easy to style. The 'skullheart' adds such a killer spice to outfits that are one accessory short of that do-or-die 'OOMPH' factor. A believer in excess, I'm wearing twice the 'OOMPH' here, but that's more of a personal preference. Low self-esteem often has me feeling OOMPH-deprived. But neither of these Skullhearts pieces felt unnecessary. The skull addition felt effortless, not gaudy. It's such a tasteful little pop. I achieved nirvana.

AND THEIR CHOCOLATES. Let's tail this off with their chocolates. Okay, really. Their chocolates. Have you ever loved something so much that it kills you? These won't. My boyfriend and I were Drake and we made these chocolates our Amanda Bynes.  For context, remember that I used to work in the candy/pastry business. I am a cupcake connoisseur. I am the master of malt balls. I know my way around a lollipop. Starting with presentation, their chocolates are in the CUTEST BOX with the CUTEST RIBBON and have the CUTEST GOLD FOIL. If you broke your significant other's favorite cigarette holder or drowned their canary, these are the best 'I'm sorry and my ability to purchase gifts for you should overrule my lack of morality please don't leave me baby I am sickeningly dependent on you' presents. And the little chocolates inside are so cute, destroying them between your teeth to help them better glide over your tongue and down the back of your throat is almost painful. But that pain is quickly overwhelmed with leg-shaking, scream-inspiring delight. Your taste buds are individually enchanted and your eyes roll into the back of your head as the hint of vanilla bean in the caramel interior strikes an American flag through the moon that is your mind and declares you to be its property. They're so bomb.

Skullheart Necklace by Edwards & Rellas, Skullheart Ring by Edwards & Rellas, Vest by Monika Chiang, Shirt by DKNY, Jeans by Forever 21, Shoes by Fratelli Rossetti, Sunglasses by Popkiller